To the boy who made me a mama:
When you arrived, my life changed. The doctor placed you on my belly, and you were clasping your hands together as though you were praying. I felt awash with joy, with gratitude, and a feeling of insignificance that was timeless and reassuring. Like I was swimming in a river as old as time. While life as I knew it was never the same, I was mystified by the feeling that you had always been with me – on vacations your dad and I took before you were even conceived, in moments where I had previously felt so lonely. I used to roll that feeling around in my head like a marble in a maze, marveling at how it made perfect sense and yet none at all.
Your brother is coming soon and, sweet boy, I find myself so scared.
The list of my fears is long. But the most potent is I’m afraid you will never know the intensity of my love devoted solely to you. I read that a child who is younger than three when a sibling is born, won’t remember being an, “only child,” thereby reducing sibling jealousy. You are nearly two and a half and when your dad and I decided nervously that we wanted you to have a brother or sister, I thought that the fact that you wouldn’t remember the time before would protect you and strengthen your sibling bond. Now it brings me to tears to think of these years being lost to you.
Even if you can’t remember, know that I looked at you daily in awe of the absolute miracle you are. That my pride in the sweet spirit you are made it a struggle to breathe sometimes. Know that I am humbled that the universe smiled at me when it made me your mama.
Know that nothing, including the arrival of your brother, will diminish or divide these truths or my love for you.
I may not have the ability to devote the same time to your needs each day. But I promise that does not mean they aren’t important to me. I may not have as much money to devote to your play and entertainment. But I promise I will tap the well of my creativity to make sure you revel in the fullest expression of your truest self. I may love another baby just as much as I love you. But I can promise you that that love won’t result from dividing my love for you in half and sharing it equally, like a snack. For the only thing in this world I know for sure is that it isn’t possible for me to love you any less. And, there is nothing I wouldn’t give at this moment to assure that somehow you know that.