When I lock myself in the bathroom and refuse to let you in it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means mommy needs ten minutes to get herself together and breathe.
When I am busy editing photos for Instagram it doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk to YOU. It does mean mommy needs time to just unwind and waste a few minutes.
When I refuse point blank to let you help me mix the flour it doesn’t mean I think you cannot do it or do not want to spend time with you. But it does mean I need to finish this task as quickly as possible so I can move on to the next thing on my to-do list which includes reading you a bedtime story.
When I cannot, remember you can . . .
When I scream at you to put on your socks while finding your “lost” baseball cap it does not mean I am becoming the worst mommy in the world but it does mean I KNOW you can do it because you are a smart kid.
When I pack last night’s leftover pizza into your lunchbox it does not mean I do not care about your nutrition. It DOES mean that I did not have time to make your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese or a heart shaped sandwich because I wanted those extra ten minutes to hug you while you slept.
Please never think the worst of me . . .
When you think the worst of me remember this. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I think of you always and I dream of the moments I can just sit with you. The one thing I will never read out loud from this letter to tell you is how I cry when you cannot see me. I cry because I feel like I am failing you as a mother and failing myself as a parent. Failing because I cannot spend as many hours as I would like with you. Failing because you need me when I cannot be there. Failing because you grew up too quickly. I cry because you are my heart and my soul and when you hurt I hurt.
So please know I try and will continue to try to be a better me, a better me for you. And that most of all I need you to never give up on me.