Did you ever see the movie Mister Mom with Michael Keaton and Teri Garr? If you haven’t, you should. Essentially, Michael Keaton loses his job, so Teri Garr goes back to work while he becomes the stay-at-home parent. But Micheal Keaton has never stayed home with the kids, so he finds himself in fairly normal parenting situations that he has no idea how to handle. I, however, am the stay-at-home parent. So being Mister Mom (my daughter has called me “Mom” multiple times, which I take as a huge compliment) is what I do.
My husband recently had to be gone for a week due to work, which is nothing new. It’s been just my daughter and me for a week multiple times, and things usually go pretty smoothly. I expected this week to unfold in much the same way. Unfortunately I was wrong, and I felt very much like Michael Keaton in Mister Mom.
The Adventures of Mister Mom
My husband left mid-morning, and so far things are going well. My daughter and I went to a friend’s house for a party, so I spent the afternoon making Nanaimo Bars (they’re delicious and you should make them – here’s the recipe), Lil’ Smokies in a CrockPot, and a meat and cheese board. We had a wonderful time there. I talked with my friends and ate while my daughter played with the cats and dogs. I have a feeling this is gonna be a great week!
It seems that the Gods of Parenting decided that one good day this week is all I get. After being awake for 15 minutes this morning, I went to stretch my back because it felt a bit tight. Mid-stretch, my back muscles seized up, followed by excruciating flashes of pain punching my entire back. It literally hurts to breathe, and I have a toddler throwing a tantrum because I asked her to go potty. So much for that “great week” I was hoping for.
You guys – the makers of IcyHot are NOT messing around. I’ve never used IcyHot before (#countingmyluckystars),but they mean business with their menthol and lidocaine. How do I know this? Because I thought it would be a good idea to apply the lotion to my back using the backs of my hands (sidebar – have you EVER tried to apply lotion to your back using your palms? It’s impossible unless you’re a contortionist in the circus!).
Immediately, it felt like I placed my hands on dry ice. The feeling didn’t go away, even after I washed them. And I stupidly touched the IcyHot tube after washing my hands, but before putting on my underwear. So it felt like a song of fire and ice down there for a good hour. My decision-making skills are severely lacking today.
My daughter took an adult-sized dump in her toddler-sized potty. After pouring it into the regular toilet, it seriously almost clogged the toilet. In fact, she actually did clog the toilet last week with her sizable stool. I’m starting to think that we may need to get a poop knife for our daughter. Yes, I said “poop knife.” Yes, it’s a real thing. No, we don’t have one for her (yet). Yes, you can read about it here (caution – the article contains lots of naughty words).
The “Days Without a Poopy Underwear Accident” tracker can go back to zero (and we’d made it all the way to four days). I was so hopeful that we would make it the entire week, and then she gifted me an underwear nugget before running to the toilet. I should be glad that my back is feeling better and I’m able to help clean it up. But still – I’m cleaning up poop, you guys.
TGIF!!! We made it! My husband comes home tomorrow, and I think my daughter knows that. Aside from a minor tantrum about the fact that she has to turn the lights off before we leave the house, she’s been an angel. She got dressed without complaint. I only had to ask twice for her to sit on her potty. And she ate her dinner, no questions asked. Where has THIS daughter been all week?
My husband has returned home from his work trip and all is right in the universe. I was able to leave the house this morning without packing up a toddler. It was glorious! Our daughter gave him a huge hug when she woke up, which absolutely melted my heart. I’m also happy because now he can get her dressed, do her hair, ask her to use the potty, make her meals, redirect her to eat her meals, and deal with the craziness of parenting a toddler. And I have someone to help me apply IcyHot to my back.