Sometime in my mid-twenties the carefree confidence that my mother so diligently nurtured in me went away, replaced by agonizing self-doubt. Around the time when I was first diagnosed with depression my confidence disappeared and has not been seen since. This abrupt absence in what I assumed was a core personality trait left a gaping hole in my heart. What were once simple and manageable tasks brought me to tears. What used to be healthy and rational worry was replaced with almost constant panic over things that have yet to happen and may never happen. I was a new, weaker version of myself.
Having a child compounds this anxiety inducing self-doubt
I find myself paralyzed with uncertainty over making even the simplest decision for him. I sob and struggle to find words in meetings where I am there to act as his voice. My insecurity silences me in public situations when I should speak up on his behalf. There are so many things I want and need to do for him that I don’t attempt for fear of failure.
This is my struggle. This is my burden and my baggage. How do I ensure it does not become his burden?
In rare moments marked by strength I try to compensate for all the times when I wasn’t enough. Maybe I was enough in the moment but the voice inside me knows I could and should have done better. He deserves more, he deserves my best and he deserves a strong advocate while he is too young to be his own. When my loving and supportive husband cannot pick up the pieces for me I will trust that I am strong enough to find a way to do it on my own.
My new must-do list for 2017 will not burden me, it will empower me
- This year I am not going to doubt myself or assume right off the bat that any one situation is too much for me to handle.
- I will work harder to control my emotions and rise to the occasion when he needs me.
- When I fail I will be kind and forgiving to myself.
- I will accept myself, flaws and all.
- I will take my meds and trust that even when I feel fine they are still needed.
- Self-care and self-love will be a priority, knowing it will pay off.
- I will lean on my husband and family and use this amazing circle of support that surrounds me.
- I will be me and know that even when I doubt myself I can always do better tomorrow